


don't want that living in your head

by starksnack



Category: Marvel's Avengers (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mechanic Tony Stark, Mutual Pining, Presumed Dead, Protective Steve Rogers, Spoilers for Marvel's Avengers (Video Game), Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, he's not dead don't worry, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:41:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28182561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starksnack/pseuds/starksnack
Summary: He’s dead. Steve still finds it hard to believe considering he’s standing alive and well at his own statue in Avengers Park a whole year after A-Day. It’s surreal to look down where they’re holding a vigil at his feet. He’s always hated how they got his nose wrong, it’s too perfect. His own nose is just a tad bit lopsided, but no one would guess because they think he’s the peak of human perfection. Or, he was.A fic where Steve is dead but not really, his soul is just not in his body at the moment. Set during the five years between A-Day and Tony finding Steve on Ambrosia.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 6
Kudos: 45
Collections: 2020 Captain America/Iron Man Holiday Exchange





	don't want that living in your head

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fluffypanda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fluffypanda/gifts).



> happy holidays panda!! here is my fic for you <3 i chose to fill the first short prompt - what was tony doing with steve's jacket
> 
> special thanks to my incredible beta who shall not be named until reveals, she did a fantastic job and i would die for her
> 
> title from [ghostin by ariana grande](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1pmpDRrQhU)

Steve doesn’t know what he’s still doing here. He’d run into the reactor to make it explode so that it wouldn’t take out half of San Francisco with whatever the hell it was pulling out of the water. But for some reason, he was still standing on the falling Helicarrier in the reactor core, wondering why the ringing in his ears wasn’t as loud as it was a moment ago.

The flashing lights are blinding and Steve squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, a frown marring his face. He was supposed to die, that’s why he’d sent Tarleton out, locking the door behind him. He doesn’t understand why he hasn’t but it’s cruelty disguised as mercy, the doors are locked, so he can’t escape even if he wanted to.

All that’s left is to wait, the core has already exploded so it won’t be long for the heat of the flame or the waves coming off the Terrigen crystal to take him to the other side. God knows he’s long overdue. He’d borrowed seventy years, his clock was ticking closer and closer to its last beat.

He doesn’t realize something is wrong until the Helicarrier hits the water and he’s still waiting for death to take him. There’s the deafening sound of emergency services cutting through the ringing in Steve’s ears. He frowns as the water pressure breaks the airtight doors, flooding the room and beginning to suffocate the sweltering flames.

That’s when Steve realizes he’s not numb to the pain thanks to shock or adrenaline. He literally can’t feel the heat against his skin. He’s not burning; he’s perfectly fine. The realization startles him.

Steve manages to pry the water-damaged door open, swimming through the helicarrier. He’s glad he can hold his breath a lot longer than the average person, but panic still seizes in his lungs. He needs to make it to the surface before he starts to push the limits of his superhuman ability. He doesn’t know how deep he is, but inhaling enough water would kill even him.

When he breaks the surface gasping in deep lungfuls of air, he’s greeted by the mayhem of emergency services. The coast guard is on the scene hauling people out of the water. Tony is flying above the wreckage trying to assist with the rescue and so are the rest of the other Avengers. Steve needs to get back to land so he can assist. He’s the leader, he can’t be down for the count now.

“Anyone on comms?” Steve asks. There’s no response and when Steve taps at his ear, it’s empty. Must have fallen off in the water then. Tony always carries spares though so Steve just has to get his attention.

Steve is doing head up front stroke toward the closest emergency rescue boat, thanking his lucky stars that he’d attended the Shield water emergency approach training when the boat’s engine starts and runs Steve over.

Except, it doesn’t exactly run him over. It doesn’t hurt at all, all he feels is a distant pressure like he’s remembering an old injury. It’s more like the boat runs _through_ Steve. This shocks him motionless before he turns to watch the boat skipping over the water toward land where the bright lights of medical personnel wait to treat everyone.

A wave slams into Steve and he shudders before heading toward the shore. When he finally manages to get onto the dock an EMT walks right through him, not giving him so much as a glance.

That can’t be right.

***

He’s dead. Steve still finds it hard to believe considering he’s standing alive and well at his own statue in Avengers Park a whole year after A-Day. It’s surreal to look down where they’re holding a vigil at his feet. He’s always hated how they got his nose wrong, it’s too perfect. His own nose is just a tad bit lopsided, but no one would guess because they think he’s the peak of human perfection. Or, he was.

The statue was erected years ago and Steve didn’t have the heart to correct the artist, but even now he wishes people knew just how imperfect he was. He’s the reason so many people have fallen ill from the effects of the Terrigen crystal.

More than anything, Steve’s heart hurts for his teammates. There was no official funeral but he saw Natasha’s face when she realized Steve was gone. She’s usually so composed but her mouth had fallen open as a choked sound escaped against her will. Steve recognized the sound, it was the same that ripped out of her when she took a particularly deadly hit in battle.

Thor is solemn through the whole A-Day hearings and it just seems so wrong to Steve. The man is usually so jovial and boisterous. Whenever he steps into a room, he fills it with his contagious cheerfulness until Steve feels like he’s bursting at the seams with glee. He’s a sun to the entire team, endlessly patient with Bruce in the lab, and punking Tony when the genius instigates a prank war. Now he’s crying and despondent and it just feels like the end of the world.

Seeing Tony heartbroken is the worst of all. He doesn’t cry, not that Steve sees, but the light in his eyes fades in a way that makes Steve’s heart yearn for him. He wants to comfort his best friend and tell him that he wishes so badly that he could have stayed. 

***

Steve’s been looking for Tony for the last year, and while his search brought him to New York, it’s far from where Tony actually ended up. Even after all this time, Steve isn’t really sure how this being dead thing works, but he hitches a ride in the back of a truck to Nevada. Tony is hiding out at one of his vacation homes in the desert, alone and isolated from the rest of the world. Steve jumps from the truck once they reach the state and from there, it isn’t a long walk to Golden Acres. Or at least, it doesn’t feel long considering that time works differently now that he’s no longer got a body to remind him of when it’s getting late or that he’s exhausted.

Tony’s trailer is lit up and Steve smiles, it’s like coming home as he slips through the door smelling grease and metal as he looks around the room. Tony is lying in the small bed in the corner of the room his arms wrapped around himself. Steve’s dark leather jacket is spread across his shoulders as he lies there staring blankly at the wall. Steve wants nothing more than to tell him everything is okay, he even opens his mouth to say so, but it’s not like it will do any good.

He knows he’s taking a lot of liberties, but Steve slips into bed with Tony, presses himself against the wall. He lifts his hands to Tony’s anguished face, wiping away his tears, and pressing a kiss to his cheek that the other man can’t feel.

Tony has more lines by his eyes than Steve remembers from before all of this and he wishes he could just brush them away and erase all the years that have hardened Tony. He’s put some of those lines there and Steve will never forgive himself for it.

“I love you,” he whispers softly. Of course, Tony doesn’t react, but Steve stays with him, listening to his hitching sobs and aching from the way Tony clutches his leather jacket like it’s him, trembling and breathing in the lingering smell of Steve’s scent.

Steve isn’t sure how Tony got possession of his jacket. He’s sure he left it somewhere and Tony picked it up. Natasha is always berating him about losing his shield because he always expects it to come back to him. Seeing Tony with his jacket makes him wish things could be the way they were before everything went sideways on A-Day.

***

Tony has always been a builder and Steve’s heart swells as he sees Tony digging through the mansion for scrap metal. It’s peculiar that he is living in the trailer rather than the actual house, but he doesn’t say anything as he follows Tony around letting the sounds of him creating fill his soul.

Without the luxury of his lab, there isn’t a whole lot that Tony can do by way of safety but he sticks a Vespa helmet on his head and pulls Steve’s jacket over his shoulders. It warms Steve’s heart that he can protect his teammate even if he can’t physically be there. The jacket looks good on Tony, the deep brown brings out the flecks of gold in his eyes. Then again, Tony always looks beautiful.

While Tony works, sometimes Steve preoccupies himself with drawing pictures in the dust. He’s surprised he’s able to move the little bunnies around with his fingers. He briefly considers trying to communicate with Tony, writing in the dust on his table and maybe scaring the hell out of him. He never follows through with it though. Tony has already grieved for him, Steve doesn’t want to poke at a healing scab.

Sometimes Tony finds Steve’s half pictures in the dust and pauses, head cocked to the side, and his genius brain going a mile a minute. Steve’s heart catches in his throat as Tony looks them over before shaking his head, tears brimming in his eyes. Steve wonders if they remind him of all the times Steve had taken up residence in the workshop to draw while Tony worked. It makes his heart hurt thinking about the ease between them, the way Steve would bring the other man meals and Tony would talk through problems with Steve until he figured them out.

A few months into whatever Tony is building he starts talking aloud describing what he’s doing. He’s got a blowtorch in one hand and Steve’s jacket around his shoulders as he builds what looks like a boot jet. Iron Man gives Steve hope because it proves Tony hasn’t given up yet, that he’s still fighting for the Avengers and everything they stand for, despite what Bruce said.

At first, Steve thought somehow Tony had gotten Jarvis back up and running, but that’s impossible. The hard drive for Jarvis was in an archive somewhere as far as Steve followed when Tony’s assets had been seized. It isn’t until a week later that Tony is frustrated with his gauntlet not firing that he slams the metal down, shoulders shaking.

“Steve, I miss you.”

The words are broken as they spill past Tony’s lips and the man slumps down onto the floor. He yanks off the helmet, chucking it aside and running his frustrated hands through his hat hair, making it stick up in a way that makes Steve heart run miles in the cage of his ribs.

Sitting down beside Tony, Steve wraps his arms around the other man, trying to be comforting even though Tony can’t feel it. His shoulders are shaking and Steve shushes him, whispering soothing words even though they’re more so he doesn’t fall apart rather than a comfort to Tony.

“It’s okay, Shellhead,” Steve whispers, stroking Tony’s hair. “I’m right here.”

***

Steve is sitting on a rock watching Tony make hot dogs when he hears a weird noise behind him. It’s like the creak of a bridge, but Tony is singing and Steve forgets about it as he lets the sound of Tony’s voice wash over him. His hair is longer and his beard unkempt. Steve kind of likes the rugged look, it’s sexy on Tony. When Steve lies in bed beside the other man he likes to run his fingers through Tony’s soft, wavy hair. He’s so incredibly beautiful.

Tony is halfway through an AC/DC number when it hits Steve. He takes in Tony’s hips swaying as he sings into the tongs while he puts on a performance for their dinner and realizes that he’s so irrevocably in love with this man and he has absolutely no way of letting Tony know how cherished he is. Steve would give anything to hold him and have Tony feel his embrace.

Thankfully, Steve doesn’t have time to wallow in his sadness for long. Tony hears something bang in the distance cutting his singing off abruptly as he looks up from his food. Steve stands, anticipation racing through his veins as he looks around for the threat. He can’t really protect Tony like this, but it feels better to be on his feet.

Suddenly Bruce is there and indignation is roaring through him because how _dare_ he show up here after what he said at the hearing. He hurt Tony and the last thing Steve wants is for Bruce to come in here again and break Tony more than he already is.

Vindication settles in his bones as Tony slaps Bruce and then he feels bad because, despite everything, Bruce is his teammate. And even with what he said at the hearing, they’ll never get anywhere with this kind of animosity.

Steve loses Tony sometime during the fight with AIM that Bruce unknowingly brings with him and suddenly Steve feels desperately alone. If he can’t follow Tony around he doesn’t know what he’s going to do on this earth. He’s scared in a way he’s never been before and he wants to scream and cry at the same time.

Thankfully, Tony rushes through him in the next beat, clad in the half suit that offers next to no protection. But Steve has long given up on preventing Tony from running into situations half-cocked and full of adrenaline. Steve can only run after him as he flies, hoping he doesn’t lose sight of his best friend in the fray.

***

It pains Steve to watch the team be torn apart by the video of him in the reactor core. It guts him to see Tony’s grief all over again as the video and subsequent fallout draw out his pain. Five years and Tony was getting better and now Steve was the one making it all worse. He’s hurting the team and that’s the last thing he ever wanted.

As the leader of the Avengers, Steve had always strived to be the best, to bring his team together with joint HARM sessions, movie nights, and laughter. This is the antithesis of all his efforts and the fact that he’s the cause of it rankles.

The only upside is that Tony looks good in the suit, as much as the rugged look was really doing it for Steve. There’s a renewed vigor to his actions and Steve loves the fire he sees back in the other man’s eyes. Not to mention that he’s missed checking out Tony’s armored ass.

Being on the Chimera again is a weird experience. His shield sits at the head of the war table like a tombstone and his heart hurts as he takes in the sight, brow furrowed. Tony spends a lot of time in the lab and Steve joins him when he’s not wandering around the ship checking in with the rest of the team.

Steve has always tried to give Tony privacy, even back on the trailer in Nevada. The times without Tony were spent stargazing, or cloud watching depending on the time of day. Now he spends his time away from Tony watching the news and hating the press coverage more and more.

If he had known Tarleton was going to do all of this, he never would have done what he did on A-Day. Well, that’s a total lie, Steve would always protect the sanctity of human life. That’s just who he is, even when it comes to human scum like Tarleton.

Now that Steve thinks about it, he’s probably behind everything that has happened since then to the Inhumans and that makes Steve viscerally angry. None of those innocent civilians deserved this. Kamala is a perfect example of that and he thinks about how much she’s grown since he first met her, bright and full of creativity. She hasn’t changed, she’s still a firecracker with a good heart. Steve wishes he could talk to her and tell her that he’s proud of everything she's accomplished.

He catches her writing fanfiction about him and Tony one day and it brings a warm smile to his face.

***

Rushing back into his body is an experience he doesn’t ever wish to repeat. It’s painful in a way that brings him to his knees, panting, as he collapses against Tony and his warmth. He’s missed the smell of him, sweat and grease, and something so uniquely him Steve wants to sob.

He’s even grateful for the way the cold air of the space station prickles goosebumps against his skin, shivering until the super serum seems to remember he’s supposed to be warm, kicking into overdrive.

Steve hugs Tony tightly breathing him in like he’s dying for oxygen. Tony’s gauntlets around him are borderline crushing like Tony thinks he’s going to disappear, Steve himself isn’t sure he won’t suddenly be leaving his body again. Now that he’s back, he feels the sensory overload, the twinge settling in his muscles from being in one place again, his soul’s restlessness at suddenly being tethered after years of freedom.

“I love you,” are the first words out of Steve’s mouth before he realizes Tony doesn’t have the context Steve does, the five years he spent watching over Tony and pining for him..

Tony looks at Steve in surprise before his face melts into adoration and Steve is speechless just looking at him.

“I knew you were with me the whole time,” Tony responds in a breathless gasp. “The last five years. It was like you never left my side.”

Steve’s jaw drops, eyes wide in surprise. “You saw me?”

Tony shakes his head with a knowing smile. “I love you too.” 

**Author's Note:**

> happy holidays panda! sorry i kind of mixed three of your prompts together haha, i hope you liked it anyway! sending lots of love and hugs to you this holiday season!! <3


End file.
